atomic_fetus (atomic_fetus) wrote,

Christmas Assault

I was sitting around last night when all of a sudden the girl walks up and hands me a tree.

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What the hell is this all about?

GIRL: It's time I told you about christmas.

What's with the shrubbery?

GIRL: At christmas time, people go out and cut down trees or buy them and decorate them.


GIRL: Don't ask me, I'm not a historical expert on the subject. I'm just here to tell you what goes on.

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GIRL: Then there's all the baking, cocoa consumption, singing...

For what?

GIRL: Well, some people believe that Christmas is a religious holiday. Some don't; but they celebrate it anyway. That's too complicated for you so we'll pass on it for this year.

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GIRL: Then there's all the shopping to cover. That starts...on Black Friday aka The Day After Thanksgiving sales.


GIRL: We'll cover it later...

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GIRL: If you're lucky, it'll snow before then and you can wear your cute little earmuffs!

So what do you do with the shopping? What about the shopping? SHOPPING!?

GIRL: You buy gifts to give people.


GIRL: It's generally a peace on earth and good will toward men thing.

What about women?

GIRL: Us too.

Will I get gifts?

GIRL: Yep, and if you're good...Santa Clause will come for you.

Come for me? He's going to claw me to death?

GIRL: No, he'll leave you gifts; but only if you're good...


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GIRL: *sigh*

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So...if I'm good, I'll get gifts?

GIRL: And if you're'll get coal.

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*Should I change my evil ways?*
When is this Christmas?

GIRL: December 24th & 25th.

And if I'm good until then, I'll get gifts?

GIRL: Correct.

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